There are a million thoughts going through my mind, I can’t even control them all. I go from being happy one second to zoning out the next to sad and quiet; then I’m all happy-go-lucky again. Alright … 

My mam is doing radiation again. Beautiful thing, isn’t it? The fact that she’s doing radiation doesn’t scare me honestly, the only thing that scares me is that she’s been ill for so long now that I don’t even remember it sometimes. Do you know that feeling when you’re so used to something, good or bad, that it becomes ‘normal’ to you? Like it’s nothing new? Like me having to walk to school sometimes because my mam needs to go to the hospital early in the morning. 
Want to hear the best story? I was downtown all day (went to see some law trials with my summer school class, pretty fun I can’t lie) and then I went to go to the hospital. My mam was at Princess Margaret Hospital on Dundas St today for radiation (it’s right beside Mount Sinai Hospital).
A little background story is that last summer my mam was on her death bed to say bluntly. I was at the Mount Sinai hospital every day taking care of her, feeding her, helping her walk, etc. My meals would consist of chocolate pudding and a Strawberry fruit chiller from the Second Cup stand downstairs. The worker, Alan, and I saw each other so much we would always talk. 
So I went by today to see if he was working. He looked so different, but then again maybe I did too. After we recognized each other (awks moment) we got talking. He ended up giving me a free large new Dark Chocolate-Vanilla Chiller.
Honestly, this made my day (along with Nadia making me laugh so hard I couldn’t breathe). But it’s sad all at the same time, I mean… I dukno it’s hard to explain.

I want to get a tattoo with the cancer ribbon and my mam’s name across it NOW. like RIGHT NOW.

I’m too messed up. I love putting myself through pain. I love bones and scars. I love them, especially on me. 
My mam lost over 80 pounds last summer due to cancer, and no matter what… lol wait that’s something I can’t share.
But I love not eating, I hate eating. HATE IT. And then when my girls or parents force me to eat, I feel sick, like actually sick. They think they’re helping me but they’re not. Honestly what good is forcing me to eat going to do? Like think about it? If I hate eating and don’t want to lose weight… you think making me eat will help? Fuck no. It makes me want to starve for the whole weekend. It makes me pray that I’ll have a day off soon so I can go a full day without eating. It makes me want to purge when I’m alone. Is that really helping me?
No it’s not. Just let me eat what I please, when I please. It’ll benefit us all.

I scare myself sometimes. Today in court, I was resting my right hand on some wooden thingy that I use to write on (it was a metal clip) … oh ye it’s a clip board. So I lift my right hand up and notice that the metal part was digging into my right wrist and was leaving some lines. What do I do? I put it right back where it was before, and dig my wrist into it for the next half hour or so. All last week and this week I’ve been yearning to get my lovely scissors out and paint another pretty picture on myself. I don’t find this wrong in any way. 

I need to write an essay on abortion, but I really can’t even begin to think about it. If I were to write right now, I’d probably just write about how sad it makes me, etc. Pathetic .

Fuck men and their men penises. I can’t trust them, any of them. I hate that. Fuck. 

I want people to stop trying to help me do ‘what’s best’ because really I don’t want that. I’m going to act like how I feel now and I won’t feel the need to explain myself to anyone (unless it’s M,M or N) .
But I’ll tell them what’s up, but the moment they try to ‘help’ me, I’m cutting the conversation and walking away.

I’ll leave this rant here. I’m going to go get some law books and put some pictures on my phone for pretty backgrounds.

P.S. I’m cutting all fake cunts out of my life. Alright,

Oh and I love how so many people have told me I look skinnier, but I feel uglier. Fantastic right?
This may take some adjustments.